Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
