gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
