I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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