you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
