Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
