just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize