You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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