I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i drank out of a bidet.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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