Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
