the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
