I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize