You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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