you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
