Nicole vs. Life
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So much rum. So many feels.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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