Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
