Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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