when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
