She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize