I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
