Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
