my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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