If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We had sex on a dog bed..
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
