I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
