Your mouth is God's brothel.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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