So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
