Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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