What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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