you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
