i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
