I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize