I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
