My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
