I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
