Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
