you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize