the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
