Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
How does one acquire holy water?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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