so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
