I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
