Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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