Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
