She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
