i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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