two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
