Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
she peed on how many people?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
