So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I don't deserve a penis
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
