everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
