Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
