If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
