So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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