Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
