i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
