Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
