there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
