I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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