The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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