Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i wish my penis had a tongue
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
