I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
