guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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