i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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