She just used a chaser for red wine.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
