you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
