I will die if light touches me.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
