New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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