11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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