I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
