Ambien. No doubt about it.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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